Numb.

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Sometimes I feel so much that I just wish to feel numb. This turns into self harm. I cut sometimes. I have scars that will always be there to remind me how numb I feel deep down. I stopped cutting for everyone around me. Even though sometimes I wish I could just take a blade and cut so deep that my whole arm turns numb. God I wish I could be numb right now. I wish all this anger, and sadness could just turn numb and I feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I promised myself I wouldn't cut anymore, but when your so down and feel every little thing its hard not to.  I hate getting all the looks from my Family and friends. They don't understand why, and I don't like explaining it to them because of the looks they give me. They make me feel like I did something completely horrible and they scold me as if i were a child. Truth is I'm just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life.
I just want to feel something other than sadness weather it be pain or numbness.

To be truthful. Cutting isn't the only way I make myself feel numb. I pull my hair, and bite my arms. And I used to actually try and make my Dad angry with me just so he would hit me. I would anger him to hurt me just so I could feel something. I remember this one time I felt so gone I had angered him I went completely numb before he was about to hit me, that is when he realized I wanted him to. I didn't blink I didn't flinch I just stood in front of him, waiting to feel the pain. I wish to god I could just tell him a lot to his face, I wish that I could go back in time and, just curl up next to him while he read me to sleep.

I just wish I could wake up and everything would be a dream. Everything.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Clouds

The sky above the clouds is the beauty behind the curtain... Ever since I was little I thought heaven was above the clouds. When the clouds would appears as the bug white puffy ones, 'God is up there' I'd say. Now being above the clouds and being older than five I learned that maybe heaven was created to make us feel better about passing.

 My life consists of loving and, losing people close to me. Maybe heaven is somewhere higher than the clouds; maybe its in a different plain then us all together. Like with the ghosts and out of the ordinary things people have found in the world. Or maybe its in a completely new place that no one knows of.

The sky of beauty is a place of love. Clean and pure, no one can ruin it. I love flying above the clouds not being able to see the earth yet still in Earth's realm. I've never felt so close to the Earth. Flying is amazing, I must confess it might feel weird at first. But once you are up there soaring high and looking down upon the our home. There are no words to form how flabbergasted I feel when I watch us fly around the clouds.

Heaven may not be above the clouds but its somewhere like this looking down on us even if they aren't exactly in the clouds.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Rain All Over Me.

Hello Fellow Earthlings. 

Sometimes I like to lay down on the wet grass feeling the rain fall down from above and land on my face. 
When I think back to when I was a young child. I remember this one time it was pouring rain out, and my best friend Rylie and I sat in my carport watching it turn into hail. We started to play the I can get farther than you can, soon we began running into it, running from one end of the street to the other getting soaked. I remember at one point we just stood in the rain spinning around in circles soaking wet. Life couldn't get better for 5 year old me. 

Now when it rains I just smile, look up and feel the rain fall upon me. Its amazing how much life changes over years.  My old reality will never be my now reality and it makes my heartache. I've lost so much and gained so little.  But I am glad I have those memories with Rylie to remind me life isn't always as horrible as it seems. 

Samantha Margaret Rose

Sorrow, Darkness

Hello Fellow Earthlings.

My name is Samantha Margaret Rose. I was born on April 11th, 1995. I was born out of wedlock but four months after my birth my parents married each other. Though out my life. I have had my ups and downs.
I have been made fun of, and taken advantage of. I have been betrayed by ones I love. But I've also made many merry memories.

Regrettably all the sour memories take over the merry ones. I used to be close to someone very dear to me. Someone no little girl should be afraid of. He was my leading light, until he turn into a big orb of darkness.
So often when I was younger, I would ask myself, 'what did I do to make him so enraged with me?'
I never had an answer, and still don't. My life was filled with sorrow and, darkness.

I begged for someone to help me. I begged my Mother to get us out of the darkness. I can not count tears shed for him, the man I used to idolize. I asked the people closest to me to help pull the sorrow away. No many how hard I tried everyone, gave up or couldn't do a thing to help me.

I am still in the darkness. I am still filled with sorrow. I may not hurt physically anymore nonetheless I hurt non-stop inside. Questions fill my head, my heart aches continuously. I seek freedom from being persecuted, and treated as if I had no brain.

Sometimes I wish someone would come and save me from the Shadows of this darkness. Sometimes I wish I could have the Man, that had light and, love inside him. Sometimes, I just want my Father and, not some stranger that has filled him with Darkness.



Samantha Margaret Rose.