Future

Earthlings.

I'm one of those people that have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school. I've thought about it and have gone through fazes of what I want to do. For the longest time I wanted to be a teacher. But every time I start to think 'i won't do well at that or I will fail miserably.'  I also get put down a lot when I tell people about what I want to do, 'you really think you can do that' is the most common one I hear, mostly from family.

Its hard to know what I want to do because there are so many things out there.  It's difficult to choose at such a young age.  I know people who still have no idea what they want to do occupational wise and are in their 30's, 40's. My parents being a prime example. I know there is no rush, but lately with this being my final year of "high school" and having to think more and more about what I want to do after high school has got  me a tad down.

I always thought when I was younger I would be a teacher no joke, then I wanted to be a lawyer, but soon when school started to become a problem I realized I'd be in school to long for both, and school is really a bad thing for me. Then I started to think maybe a baker or cook. But by the time I thought of this I was in the middle of high school with no cooking classes. So Baking went out the small window.

Lately I started to think if I don't know what I'm going to do for a occupation I won't have a future. and yes I know there is more to life then just work, like family and traveling. I want to travel but I don't want to do a job where I travel because I'd only see the inside of hotels and airports. and Family, I'm never getting married, if I do get married it'll be a miracle, and kids I want but I would need to support them some how.

I don't want a job I hate. I see all these older people like my parents and grandparents that have jobs they put up with because they needed money to survive. I want something I love to do and wouldn't mind doing 5 days a week or more. I want to be able to enjoy my job, like my boss and A&W does. She honestly enjoys what she does, and it makes her happy. I don't want to work at A&W the rest of my life..

Lately though I've been thinking Wedding Planner or even Party Planner because I'm a good organizer, and I love planning things. I've planned about 3 different parties for family. All of them were surprise parties. I think they all turned out pretty well. But I don't know, like I said I start to doubt myself. Sometimes I wish I have super Confidence in myself so I could stick to one thing and know what I have in store for my future.... 

No Grad or Dances for Sam

Fellow Earthlings

I am a non stoppable facebook stalker, Yes I admit it. I find no shame in it. Isn't that what facebook was made for? to stalk the unstalkable old friends?

In about grade 6 I had a big group of friends. I was not popular, nor have I ever been or cared to be popular. I had a good group of rejected friends. We were crazy and just plain weird. I loved it. Now I have maybe a few close friends and only talk to one of my old friends. This year would have been my graduating year of high school. But I have problems, and switched to a more suitable school for me.

The only downfall to my school is we don't have grad, or winter formal, or the senior sail. Or even Prom.
I don't even graduate this year. I have to wait till I am 19 to graduate from my school, due to the program I'm in. I remember back when my best friend at the time, Andrea and I would talk about our future proms, I was never huge on dressing up in a dress and dancing for a Prom or dance. I was anti-prom at the time. Now All i see are these girls from back then all dressed up at these graduation Dances.
It pains me to see them, because I know I should be there with them. I should be next to them, with a gown smiling and taking photos of ourselves. But I'm not.

It leaves a huge hole of sadness to know I'll never be able to have a prom or a Graduation or even be able to walk across the platform to accept my diploma. I feel disappointed in myself that I wasn't able to go through a normal high school like everyone else. I remember when I was little I always want to have the class A high school experience. but reality I got the first 2 and a half years of real high school. Till I transferred to CABE then when that didn't work out I transferred to LINC and it is great it's small and It helps with Teens in the same situation as me. But I still miss everything I would have had if I was able to stick in my old school with my old friends. I miss a lot of things. Specially my old friends. Missing people always leaves a deep hole of what you used to have...

Samantha Margaret Rose

Be There For Me Like I Am For You....

Fellow Earthlings.

Every time I need someone..  everyone walks away from me.
See with depression, I am more prone to being sad. I have a million things running in my head. I can't handle everything alone. But that is exactly what I am... Alone.
Like sometimes I don't mind being alone. But when I come to you for help, I don't need you to turn it into all about you I need you to stop and listen. I need you to be there for me like I'm always there for you. This post really isn't for one person it's for like 3 different people.

I hurt so much, so when I come to you I do not want you to turn around and make me feel worse, like you do. When I come to you I don't want you to walk away and say tell me to deal with it myself because you can't handle my issues. When I come to you I don't want to talk about you or about how you have had worse experiences I want you to sit there and listen and not tell me how you have been through more than I have. I want you people to just sit there and help me through whatever I came to you for. I want you to hug me or tell me everything will work out.

*For once in our friendship I want you to be there for me like I am for you, for once just be there.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Ups or U.P.S. ?

Fellow Earthlings,

Oh how I apologize for the last post, sometimes I get so down and in a funk I just can't function and I have a need to write, to get all the emotion I bottle up, out.
Well I have one thing to be very proud to report. I have successfully changed my Voice Mail to say 'Hello Fellow Earthlings, Sam is unavailable to at the moment, please leave a message.. and your name. And she will get back to you as soon as she can! Great thank you!" I am thinking of adding 'to infinity and beyond' at the end... It's still in Debate. (ha-ha)


Before I start on the next topic, Do you earthlings know the UPS delivery service trucks?
Okay Am I the only one who pronounces it as Ups instead of U.P.S. ? See the thing is they don't put PERIODS in between the U P S. So this one day I was talking to my mom and there was a U.P.S. Truck outside our house and my mom's like is that the pizza guy? I'm like no it's a Ups van..  She literally stopped what she was doing, looked at me and gave me
The WTF meme look ====>
Ever since my mom laughs whenever she sees a U.P.S. Van. She points and goes 'Loook Sam it's your Ups Truck..

I can literally see her doing the Troll Face, I have a very valid point to why I call it Ups instead of U.P.S no joke no where on those truck does is have periods in between those letters. I'm not sure about you all but in kindergarten I was taught if that if there isn't periods between words you sound them out and they create words!!!




(SEE NO PERIODS BETWEEN LETTERS!) 


Who else would make my mistake?

Samantha Margaret Rose

What's the point?

Hi Earthlings,

*This following post is probably going to be very depressing just to warn you. *

           As most of you all know I suffer from depression, (who doesn't right?) I should be taking my pills but I don't I used to be so aware of everything and anything around me but when I'm on them I feel like a zombie like I'm not even around. Right now Is the hardest time for me, specially at home.

        Everything is just so freaking screwed up no body wants me around, and I'm always treated like I'm a child, and stupid. Everywhere I go someone is always treating me like this. I don't want to be here anymore, I try and help people but it whiplashes back in my face. Sure I have an attitude but seriously does it really mean you have to call me a cow, or a stupid little bitch?

       I love my Parents but I can't handle them, my dad cares more about his computer buddies then real life, I have to jump up and down screaming to actually get his attention and half the time that doesn't even work.
My Mom, I used to be so close to when she was doing bad things a couple years ago, then she changed back. I used to have to help her and care for her when she get so bad that she couldn't do things the next day. I always tried to be close to her and I still am a little but I can feel us falling apart, I can feel the tension between us get stronger. I actually used to like going to her to tell her things now I don't even want to go near her because she's always treating me like I've done something wrong. And now a days all she does is sleep, so I can't really talk to her about half the things I used to.

       Honestly I don't want to be on Earth anymore, or even a being of the universe. I want to be able to close my eyes and  dig my cold feet into the earth, staying there forever.  Even though Death scares me more than anything, I would rather get rid of myself then be such a horrible burden on everyone. If I was gone, my mom could be so content with not having to always wonder where I am, having to worry about how much of a fucking bitch I am. And my Dad wouldn't be bothered anymore for rides and actually having to be a grown up. And I wouldn't hurt so much, whenever I try and help them. It's impossible to speak to them or even be around them, yet they always wonder why I am never around. That's why because I rather not be hurting you and myself by being around you. I never want to burden you two. Like you always said I was a mistake anyways. Why don't I just help you get rid of your fucking mistake. That way you both can Live Happily Ever After.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Just one of those days

Hey Fellow Earthlings,

It's finally November!! Wow this year is going by fast, I feel like everything just zoomed by. To think a month ago I was in Disney World, Oh how I miss the hot weather, no joke. Vancouver is super cold and wet.  Non-stop rain.. I'm losing my Tan people!

I was priding myself on the fact I was tanner than my best friend, now we are the same colour. Today is a cold wet day, again. I guess I should get used to it and I should be happy I'm not in Jersey, where water damage is everywhere.

Today is a lovely boring day where I do absolutely nothing at my best friends while she is sick laying on her couch watching ghost stories on TV.
I  love days like this because it feels so normal where nobody does anything. Though there are things missing in today like a good video game to watch my friends kill zombies. It's the little things I love about days like this. The nice silence and, random talks. I could go for a good subway sandwich. This post is all over the place I apologize. I'm super bored it's not fun when everyone is soo blah. ITS COLD SEASON PEOPLE!

Well with that I shall go because I am typing to much and the clicking is bothering the 'sick one'

Samantha Margaret Rose

Numb.

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Sometimes I feel so much that I just wish to feel numb. This turns into self harm. I cut sometimes. I have scars that will always be there to remind me how numb I feel deep down. I stopped cutting for everyone around me. Even though sometimes I wish I could just take a blade and cut so deep that my whole arm turns numb. God I wish I could be numb right now. I wish all this anger, and sadness could just turn numb and I feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I promised myself I wouldn't cut anymore, but when your so down and feel every little thing its hard not to.  I hate getting all the looks from my Family and friends. They don't understand why, and I don't like explaining it to them because of the looks they give me. They make me feel like I did something completely horrible and they scold me as if i were a child. Truth is I'm just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life.
I just want to feel something other than sadness weather it be pain or numbness.

To be truthful. Cutting isn't the only way I make myself feel numb. I pull my hair, and bite my arms. And I used to actually try and make my Dad angry with me just so he would hit me. I would anger him to hurt me just so I could feel something. I remember this one time I felt so gone I had angered him I went completely numb before he was about to hit me, that is when he realized I wanted him to. I didn't blink I didn't flinch I just stood in front of him, waiting to feel the pain. I wish to god I could just tell him a lot to his face, I wish that I could go back in time and, just curl up next to him while he read me to sleep.

I just wish I could wake up and everything would be a dream. Everything.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Clouds

The sky above the clouds is the beauty behind the curtain... Ever since I was little I thought heaven was above the clouds. When the clouds would appears as the bug white puffy ones, 'God is up there' I'd say. Now being above the clouds and being older than five I learned that maybe heaven was created to make us feel better about passing.

 My life consists of loving and, losing people close to me. Maybe heaven is somewhere higher than the clouds; maybe its in a different plain then us all together. Like with the ghosts and out of the ordinary things people have found in the world. Or maybe its in a completely new place that no one knows of.

The sky of beauty is a place of love. Clean and pure, no one can ruin it. I love flying above the clouds not being able to see the earth yet still in Earth's realm. I've never felt so close to the Earth. Flying is amazing, I must confess it might feel weird at first. But once you are up there soaring high and looking down upon the our home. There are no words to form how flabbergasted I feel when I watch us fly around the clouds.

Heaven may not be above the clouds but its somewhere like this looking down on us even if they aren't exactly in the clouds.

Samantha Margaret Rose

Rain All Over Me.

Hello Fellow Earthlings. 

Sometimes I like to lay down on the wet grass feeling the rain fall down from above and land on my face. 
When I think back to when I was a young child. I remember this one time it was pouring rain out, and my best friend Rylie and I sat in my carport watching it turn into hail. We started to play the I can get farther than you can, soon we began running into it, running from one end of the street to the other getting soaked. I remember at one point we just stood in the rain spinning around in circles soaking wet. Life couldn't get better for 5 year old me. 

Now when it rains I just smile, look up and feel the rain fall upon me. Its amazing how much life changes over years.  My old reality will never be my now reality and it makes my heartache. I've lost so much and gained so little.  But I am glad I have those memories with Rylie to remind me life isn't always as horrible as it seems. 

Samantha Margaret Rose

Sorrow, Darkness

Hello Fellow Earthlings.

My name is Samantha Margaret Rose. I was born on April 11th, 1995. I was born out of wedlock but four months after my birth my parents married each other. Though out my life. I have had my ups and downs.
I have been made fun of, and taken advantage of. I have been betrayed by ones I love. But I've also made many merry memories.

Regrettably all the sour memories take over the merry ones. I used to be close to someone very dear to me. Someone no little girl should be afraid of. He was my leading light, until he turn into a big orb of darkness.
So often when I was younger, I would ask myself, 'what did I do to make him so enraged with me?'
I never had an answer, and still don't. My life was filled with sorrow and, darkness.

I begged for someone to help me. I begged my Mother to get us out of the darkness. I can not count tears shed for him, the man I used to idolize. I asked the people closest to me to help pull the sorrow away. No many how hard I tried everyone, gave up or couldn't do a thing to help me.

I am still in the darkness. I am still filled with sorrow. I may not hurt physically anymore nonetheless I hurt non-stop inside. Questions fill my head, my heart aches continuously. I seek freedom from being persecuted, and treated as if I had no brain.

Sometimes I wish someone would come and save me from the Shadows of this darkness. Sometimes I wish I could have the Man, that had light and, love inside him. Sometimes, I just want my Father and, not some stranger that has filled him with Darkness.



Samantha Margaret Rose.

Troubles.

Dear Fellow Earthlings,

I have landed on my home planet as of last Friday. My Magical vacation to the Planet of Walt Disney has come to an end, sadly, yet not to sadly.

It was amazing there magical yet tiring, we all kept saying 'we need a vacation from our vacation'. We were always on the move but not the point to what I am writing today. Even though I do owe you fellow earthlings a great detailed blogged out day by day detail by detail post of the amazing adventures of Mickey Mouse and the gang. But I am to preoccupied with other things on my mind to write about that.

You could say I have trouble opening up around people, I am what you would call shy, (unless Otherwise subjected to certain substances). Sometimes it helps protect me from getting hurt, but sometimes I feel it keeps me from feeling certain things.

To be brutally honest I crave love (no not just the intimate, sweaty type. Though it would be a plus). The thing that keeps me from being emotionally available is my wall. The wall I built from the age of 6 to now.
There is this one guy. He was my first kiss, and I still speak to him, see him on occasion. But things never worked out the first time, and he's been through so much. I'm afraid to open up to him. When I'm around him, I act bitchy not because I want to be a bitch to him. I think its to keep me safe to know I won't get hurt at all.

The thing about that is. I used to like him SO much.  Way back then he chose someone else, the circumstances were different back then but when he did that, it broke my heart. It took me a long time even though on the outside I acted like it was fine. But it hurt and it took me a good long time to stop caring about what he was doing.

Now though he is coming back into my life a little. He's a player per-say, he has a new girlfriend every week. Its hard to let him in even a little because I am to afraid he will hurt me a little. I just wish I could see into the future to know how things are going to turn out.....

Epcot.

Hello There Fellow Earthlings,

Ever want to know about the future or go to Germany? Or better yet China, or Paris? What if I told you, you could do all of this in one day?!

I know it's crazy isn't it? Epcot is amazing, the places they built for it are 'OMGG' good. There super amazing and really nice. My favourite part I saw should have been Paris but it wasn't all that OOOO look. The one I liked the most and was done amazingly. Is surprisingly Japan it was unbelievable. Plus I got Sea Weed which is now unfortunately  gone due to being a Seaweed addict. But it was good. WE had Dinner in Germany.

Disney World ? I think So.

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

We are finally at our destination Walt Disney World. So far all we've seen is the hotel, pool, food court and, of course one shop in the lobby of our Hotel.

It's been real amazing here so far even though we haven't done much and are to pooped from our plane rides to do anything. Plus it was like 7 o'clock when we got to our hotel. But here we are, the place we will call home for the next 9 days.

The funny part about here is that most the people here are speaking Spanish so of course WE have no idea what their saying and we've had a few people come up to us to try and ask us something. We're all like say what?

LOL You know how in my post from before I was talking about how rude Americans are. Well we landed in Denver for a layover and we were hungry so we had the fastest thing there. McDonalds and omg TALK ABOUT RUDE if you think People at A&W are rude in Coquitlam oh my god this girl was so monotone and not interested I wanted to slap her If i treated a customer like that at work I would get fired and the worst part her boss was standing right there and he didnt care. Like seriously wtf. and also Americans have strange ass food their Menus for McDee's was completely different then ours and the food horrible. like blach food. The plane rides were good though.

My grandpa was teaching me some cool things about what the wings were doing and what the Pilates were saying over the station. It was really interesting I thought I would have problems with it but In the end I was fine my mom had the worst problem with the ride I think she has a fear of flying. hahahah. Anyways its like 12:05 here and I must wake up earlier then normal so i'm going to hit the hey.

Sweet Dreams Ya'll

Samantha Margaret Rose

Airport Bound

Herro Dar Fellow Earthlings!


Right this second I, Samantha Margaret Rose, is sitting in a airport! And no Not just to watch other people run to their flights! I am finally going somewhere other than BC, Canada!

Here I sit waiting for another hour and 15 minutes to board an actual plane for the first time in my conscious life. My Father is giving me problems because I'm blogging. He's just jealous that I have a computer and he doesn't.  Someone is having major withdrawal's! (ha-ha)

People who work here are grumpy and mean though. I forgot I had my facial wash and toothpaste in my carry on bag...  Then took it from me. My grandpa made a good point that they have people snickering and they have to do the same thing everyday, and I completely understand it.

I work at A&W and I have to deal with a lot of snickering and A-holes everyday when I work but you know EVERY job has A-HOLES. Doesn't mean you be unpleasant towards your "customers".

If you look at how people are towards you going into a foreign country their asses, but when you come back to Canada their polite. I love being Canadian sometimes it gives me great pride to know people here are mostly raised right and know manners. I know I'm kind of going on about absolutely nothing right now. But I'm just trying to stay awake and not bored out of my mind.


As of now it is only one more hour until we take off for 10 days of amazing-ness. I must go to the washroom now to go before I get on a plane... Well My lovely Canadians and Fellow earthlings ta-ta for now


Samantha Margaret Rose.  

VACATION TIMMME!

Dear Fellow Earthlings,

Ever have a feeling of excitement so high that you can't even breathe?  Well that is how I feel right now other then stuffed up and a pounding headache. 

We are going to Walt Disney World in 4 hours I will be woken up to get ready for the plane. Right now my Mum, Dad, and Sister are sleeping next to me, (or well just going to sleep actually). We are staying in a Best Western since yesterday with my Grandparents (Mom's Parents) but their in another room. Our plane leaves at 7:15 am. 

My Parents have always tried to provided my sister and I with the best they can. I remember when I was 6 (two months before my 7th Birthday), my Mom and I were on the bus, I had turned to her with a question. "Mom can we go to Disney World for my 8th birthday?" She just smiled and said she would try. Two months later we found out she was pregnant with my little sister, Kassandra. 

So to my disadvantage we never made it to Disney World for my 8th birthday instead I got a new baby sister on November 10th, 2002. I love my sister despite our age gap and differences. I wouldn't replace her for anything. Anyways this post really isn't about Kassie. It's about the news my Family got a year and a half ago from my Momma & Poppie (Mom's Parents). 

My parents found out first of course now this is the conversation I had with my mother when she told me.

"Samantha, I need to speak with you." My mother said in a stern tone. I thought I was in trouble of course considering she used my full name. 
"Yes, Mother?"  I only use other when she calls me by my full name or doesn't listen to me. 
"How would feel if I told you we were going to Disney World."
"Depends on if your serious or not." Stern face. 
"Well We are. Momma and Poppie are paying for us all to go to Disney world in November.

*silence*

" How do you feel about that?" 
"I'll believe it when we get there." 

Since I was little my parents have and my other grandparents have joked about fake vacations, so I wasn't holding my breath at all. Now that I am literally hours away of leaving British Colombia, and I've seen all the flight numbers and I have my bags packed, We are literally 20 minutes away from the airport. I cannot breathe or sleep. I have this raging headache from screaming inside my head all day. I'm a calm person most of the time, and I have insomnia pretty much all the time. But if you add a calm person + Vacation I've been waiting for for 12 years + no sleep that will indefinably Cause me to be shitting bricks right now. 

I know that right now My mom is laying in her bed sighing to the fact that she can't sleep and probably at the fact that all she can hear is the traffic outside, my fingers going super fast on my keyboard and the damn air conditioner blowing out cold air at 62 degrees Fahrenheit. 

The only thing I am bummed about this trip is the weather in Disney World right now is Thunder Storms and Thunder Showers for the next 5 days. We are there for 10 days and I was hoping that it would at least not rain. I live in the Rainy part of BC, Canada, I would like a Vacation where the rain is sooo far gone that I can't see it, hear it, or smell it, let alone feel it. 


I should probably get to sleep to let my mother get some rest. My poor laptop is clicking to loudly and just not working with the mood in the room which is SLEEP. Well my Fellow Earthlings. This will probably be my last Post for the next 2-3 days probably, for the fact I shall be a busy bee with my FamJam in one of the most magical places of ALL...

WALT DISNEY WORLD

PS. I'll update you later on how amazing and magical it is there. 

Samantha Margaret Rose

Trust is like a vase....

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Have you ever just put blind faith into someone? Just trusted and loved someone so much but didn't care because you know they won't ever hurt you? Letting someone into your heart because its perfectly fine they won't stomp on it or rip it in 100 different direction. 

Wait a minute... what am I talking about?! 

Oh that's right. Why I don't trust other people. From a young age I've learned that people only disappoint you. I know it sounds harsh but in reality its true. "It takes seconds to lose someones trust and Years to build it up again."

I have been let down by the people I trust the most then the people who work at McDonald's. And that's saying something. I'm not saying that true love isn't out there or that you shouldn't trust someone with your heart or that everyone in the world is going to let you down. But from personal experiences and watching friends get hurt in relationships, I personally try and stick to myself. 

Yes in the end I'm really lonely. But to me having a wall up with a bunch of booby traps in front to keep me from getting close to new people is what makes me feel comfortable. 

When I was about 5, my Dad used to read me to bed and tell me I was his princess. Or his little Angel. Well that changed once I hit 6. He got angry and selfish and I got the bad end of the stick. I love my Dad a lot (even though I don't show it or say it enough) but those experiences with him betraying me like that has taught me that people in life are just going to hurt you over and over and over again. Also that people don't change at all. You can hope and pray as much as you want but nothing you do will change the fact that they will end up being the same person in the end. 

I've accepted that I was hurt by most of these people I have in my life but that doesn't mean I trust them.I've forgave most of them. I can "forgive but I can't forget". 

I know that even I can't be trusted sometimes, I've done some horrible things to some friends of mine in the past thinking that it would be good payback. I came clean about it and I apologized, I know that now she has a hard time trusting me 100 percent but I understand, I broke that trust. “Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.” 

In the end you have the same people in your life but I know I will never be able to trust anyone completely ever again from watching people and myself get hurt to many times because of trusting people.

But...
If you ever find someone who never breaks that trust they are someone you want to keep in your life forever. Hold on tight and NEVER let them go.


Samantha Margaret Rose.