Sometimes I feel so much that I just wish to feel numb. This turns into self harm. I cut sometimes. I have scars that will always be there to remind me how numb I feel deep down. I stopped cutting for everyone around me. Even though sometimes I wish I could just take a blade and cut so deep that my whole arm turns numb. God I wish I could be numb right now. I wish all this anger, and sadness could just turn numb and I feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything anymore.
I promised myself I wouldn't cut anymore, but when your so down and feel every little thing its hard not to. I hate getting all the looks from my Family and friends. They don't understand why, and I don't like explaining it to them because of the looks they give me. They make me feel like I did something completely horrible and they scold me as if i were a child. Truth is I'm just trying to cope with everything that is going on in my life.
I just want to feel something other than sadness weather it be pain or numbness.
To be truthful. Cutting isn't the only way I make myself feel numb. I pull my hair, and bite my arms. And I used to actually try and make my Dad angry with me just so he would hit me. I would anger him to hurt me just so I could feel something. I remember this one time I felt so gone I had angered him I went completely numb before he was about to hit me, that is when he realized I wanted him to. I didn't blink I didn't flinch I just stood in front of him, waiting to feel the pain. I wish to god I could just tell him a lot to his face, I wish that I could go back in time and, just curl up next to him while he read me to sleep.
I just wish I could wake up and everything would be a dream. Everything.
Samantha Margaret Rose
No comments:
Post a Comment